Not only are the allegations untrue but:a) the goat was not, in fact, Spanish, but Portuguese, and is currently living safely in a wildlife preserve in East Molesey.
b) The Tango is a dance made famous in Argentina. "Erotic licking" plays no part in the Tango. Neither, of course, do balloons.
c) only a lunatic would apply shoe-polish to a weasel.
d) if the alleged incidents had in fact occurred in broad daylight during a car-boot sale in Harrow then there would be photographs, and quite possibly a plaster cast.
e) by now the "Use by" stamps on the yoghurt would have expired, indicating it as unfit for human consumption.