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Sunday, December 14, 2003
Could Jesus beat George Bush?
This came to me in an email from a fellow Dean supporter, who's as sick and tired as I am about the continued questions about "electability". Clearly, there's only one character here who's truly unelectable.

I know a lot of democrats think nominating Jesus Christ is a sure thing, but they are dead wrong. Sure, he's got the most supporters and is a fundraising powerhouse, not to mention a miracle worker son of God, but let's look at the facts in post-9/11 America.

Fact: Jesus Christ has NO foreign policy or national security experience.
He was a great man, and did a lot for the world, but did he ever have to deal with trade issues? Did he ever visit Rome? Does he have any military experience? The answer is a resounding NO. He spent most of his adult life as a carpenter or wandering around Israel preaching to people. He never had to hash out trade deals or bust an Al Qaeda cell. Bush clearly has a tremendous advantage here.

Fact: Jesus Christ is a loose canon. He has temperament problems, is unscripted, and shoots from the hip.
For example, he went into a temple and went into a tizzy against the moneychangers. He will be too easily attacked for his temperament problems. Bush will attack this repeatedly. I can see it now: "Jesus is all anger and will blow his top the minute things get tough"

Fact: Jesus Christ is soft on terrorism!
I mean, what's with this "turn the other cheek" stuff? He's just inviting another devastating blow against innocent Americans! That will not play well AT ALL in the post-9/11 world. He'll lose all 50 states.

Fact: Jesus Christ has a wimpy message and hung around shady characters.
Will the South go for someone who preached about loving your fellow man and hung around prostitutes and tax collectors? Hell no! The day before the election Bush will just send out phone messages saying he fathered a black baby, or something like that. His message won't play well in the south, and we NEED the south!

Fact: Jesus Christ is too religious for the left.
They will abandon the Democratic Party and vote Green. There's a whole host of church/state issues that will turn them off, and too many of his followers have an anti-gay message.

Fact: Jesus Christ has... ahem... kooky followers.
I mean, the KKK backs him, those Waco nuts, and those fundy preachers... Pat Robertson! What will the average voter think? They'll be turned off! Just think, Bush will run an ad of slow-motion shots of the KKK, with the message: "The KKK supports Jesus Christ. Do you?" The African American population won’t back him up. Instant defeat.

Fact: Jesus Christ will raise your taxes.
How will his "render unto Caesar" message resonate with middle class voters? He will be too easily attacked as a tax and spend liberal. We cannot win with that message.

Fact: Jesus Christ has never held elective office!
He will never be able to pass his agenda through Congress. He would have to just have direct intervention from God, which I'm sure the Supreme Court will rule unconstitutional. And what is his agenda, anyway? Just a lot of rhetoric with no details. These post-9/11 times are way too tough for a rookie to handle.

Come on, fellow Democrats, Wake up. Jesus Christ is a nightmare for the Democratic Party! This election is too important to put up a candidate like Jesus Christ. He's unelectable. Too liberal in some places, too conservative in others. We will lose in a landslide. This election will all be about national security. And Bush has him dead to rights on national security experience.

Don't drink the Christ Kool-aid.


Fox News's latest Opinion Dynamics poll shows Jesus Christ losing to George Satan Bush by 66.6 points. Bush dominates all demographic groups except lesbian farmers in the survey.
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