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Monday, December 15, 2003
Hot off the presses!

US Supreme Court Overturns Gore Endorsement of Dean

Transfers Nod to Bush in 5-4 Decision

Just moments after former Vice President Al Gore endorsed former Vermont Governor Howard Dean for President in Harlem yesterday, the Supreme Court overturned his endorsement by a 5-4 margin.

The Court, finding the former Vice President's endorsement of Mr. Dean unconstitutional, transferred his endorsement to President George W. Bush instead.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice William Rehnquist said, "There's really no explanation necessary - we're the Supreme Court, and if you don't like it, you can stick it where the moon don't shine."

While some Democrats howled that the Court was inappropriately politicizing itself with its controversial decision, Mr. Gore accepted the ruling, saying, "After four minutes of partisan wrangling over this matter, it is time for us to move on."

Mr. Gore expressed some regret that his endorsement had been transferred from Mr. Dean to Mr. Bush, but added, "It'll be nice to be on the winning side for a change."

But Mr. Gore's endorsement could turn out to be a mixed blessing for the Bush campaign, as a survey of those who heard Mr. Gore's Harlem speech showed that 55% felt "drowsy" while 40% "lost consciousness altogether."

In other political news, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) decided today to reinvent his campaign once more, officially positioning himself as "the most potty-mouthed candidate ever to run for President."

In an interview with Rolling Stone released today, Mr. Kerry said, "If anyone f--king says that I'm not f--king qualified to be f--king president, I'm going to f--k them up."

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